Chin up.

She is not going to turn. We went to a lauded New York OBGYN yesterday, known for his 80% success rate for the external version process, hoping that we would be in the right hands...and that those magical hands would compel little darling to put her head where it should be. The feeling was so odd - definitely painful, but also so concrete - her head, her butt shifting with his guidance through the skin of my belly. He turned her some and then she put up resistance. She did not like the somersault she was being asked to do. Her heart rate went down and she signified a firm no. Of course we wish we had known earlier. Babies at 36 or 37 weeks are much more eager and they live in a looser environment for things like flips.

I was so disappointed. Even this doctor isn't willing to deliver the baby vaginally and recommended a cesarean before the weekend. To be honest, I don't even think I would elect for a vaginal breech birth. I don't have the assurance in birth I think would be necessary for such a feat. I think I was hoping for some healing in this birth after the difficulty I had with Colette - a different (maybe even reparative) version of a bad tale. Instead, it feels like a substitute upheaval - just something new to poorly process. I guess that means I will have to process it better.



Xavier and I sat in a restaurant at Grand Central looking out over the gaggle of people and talked for a long time afterward. Just behind us, there was a mama and a little baby who must have been one week old. I think they were planted there for me. Floppy head and alien fingers, tender body - oh yes, bring us something like that. During the lunch Xavier convinced me that we should flip a coin to decide whose name choice should win out. He has a great sense of humor. Even though it was heads and he won, I don't think we have come to a resolution on that front. (Wish a baby were so easy to flip and land on her head).