Another baby. Perhaps (unfairly) I don’t even think of this one as a baby in my head – I’ve termed him* “sibling.” I know he will break my heart with love once he arrives, but the real intent was to give Colette the best gift on earth: another sibling – a permanent friend. My siblings are my very best friends and I praise my parents for giving me so many of them. I cannot commit to delivering the same batch, but I can commit to at least one at this point. Colette is lucky because she got one for free: Mademoiselle Marguerite and now this more termless one will be hot on her heels.
My reports were prolific about my pregnancy with Colette. I haven’t said a word this time, even though I am 5 months along. A baby did so much to me. One of those things was to wring out a lot of my hubris. Who really cares if I am pregnant and have heart burn? My mom and dad – oh yes, siblings, friends, yes. But the internet at large? I don’t know.
I will say that another baby is making me regroup and reflect on the short life of baby #1 so far: what is working, what is not working and what can I change immediately? (A rather crude personal survey).
What is working? Colette. I did not know. I did not know how the obsession would be entirely mad and irrepressible. She is the Milky Way. The best (only?) galaxy in the universe. (Going to be hard to compete, little Mr. Baby #2 – or if you can, I might explode).
What is not working? Oh. Time. Time enough – never. Running to and from work every day trying to squeeze in baby enough to calm my heart. Letting weeks pass without genuinely connecting with dear friends. Alienation – realizing that baby has brought me into a world where the stakes of my reality no longer match up with some of my best friends’ and hating that schism. Sometimes connecting to people through Colette only – relating with Xavier as a papa more than as my beau. The devouring nature of a baby does chafe at other parts of life.
What can I change immediately? Hmmm. Not sure how much any of that is going to change adding another baby to an existing baby situation (they will be 22 months apart). At least the love madness factor will multiply endlessly.
*We actually don't know if baby is a "him" yet. We will find out at the 20-week anatomy scan on Tuesday...