Raising children.

Last night, Xavier showed me a piece about the differences between French and American parents. An easily generalizable compare/contrast exercise. It goes something like this: French parents are authoritative. French parents don't allow their kids to...(long list). French parents' whole worlds do not revolve around their children. French parents often sound mean. American parents allow their kids too much freedom. American parents value creativity and expression. American parents are lax and lazy with their children. American parents allow their kids to throw food in restaurants (well, maybe not exactly that - but to that tune).

The conversation is not that simple. Individual parents act in individual ways, regardless of their cultural parameters and setting. That said, I do think that cultural differences in the way 'childhood' itself is dreamed up, conceived of and disciplined are real. I watch this close up in the way Marguerite is parented by her two French parents and in watching other French parents I know well - what is valued, what is emphasized, what is insisted on for a child.

Having lived in France for three years and watching French people raise children with whom I am close has given me exposure to real cultural differences. It is true that there is less tolerance for children in France in public spaces to behave like 'children' (as Americans might define the term). It is true that when a child in a public space behaves this way, there is quite a lot of judgement from passersby (none of which is silent). It is true that a French parent will tell a child directly that they are in the middle a conversation and will not tolerate interruption. It is also true that American parents often feel their children are incapable of 'behaving' in public spaces - that while eating, a child will be all over the place. It is also true that many American parents interrupt whatever they are doing to concentrate on a child.

While these differences may be observable, I think "good parenting" comes down to a question of what parents or a society value in their children. If the answer is compliance, how your child is perceived, or "good behavior" (however that is defined given the cultural context), then a more severe approach is useful. If the answer is something different (creativity, self-expression, liberty, etc.) that approach can be challenged.

My sister sent me this link recently on parenting - also fascinating in the context of this discussion (somewhat extreme on the other side of the spectrum).

I have thought a lot about this - being a quasi-parent already. Throughout Marguerite's life, I have had an indefinite role. I imagine many step-parents feel this way. My experience has been different than a lot of other step-parents in that Marguerite will never not remember me in her life - I've been here since she was a baby. She has two parents who have insisted heavily on the codification of parenthood - of being her "mom" and her "dad" - the nomencleture imports a lot of meaning here. This is probably largely due to the circumstances and the desire to have control over a tough situation. I have never wanted to be Marguerite's mom. It doesn't ever occur to me, but there has been a lot of insistence on the fact that I am not.

Mlle. has absorbed some of this insistence (although most of our interactions are pure and untainted by these dynamics). In Central Park recently, Marguerite made me laugh when she was eyeing cotton candy with wishful eyes and her dad was up ahead of us. I said, "Would you like some cotton candy, Marguerite." Her response, "Yes! But Papa may not be OK with that." I told her that I could approve such a purchase and snack. She said, "Yeah - I mean, you are a parent, but you are not a parent who made me - I could only come out of one belly." True. Very true. She reiterated the possession sentiment of many parents - that the child is theirs.

This naming of who is a parent and who is not has made me think hard about the approach I want to take with my children. I have a strong connection with Marguerite and feel a bond with her that parallels other family bonds I have. She has a similar sense of connection with me. I understand the visceral feelings a parent might feel may not be present for me with this little girl, but my interests for her mirror what her parents (at least what her dad) want for her.

So, then I think about little fetus and what will happen when she comes out. I have rational thoughts about it - I never want to operate under the mentality that my children are literally 'mine.' I guess, just because I made the child does not signify something greater than a responsibility for her - not something she owes me (behaviorally or in her life choices or politics or philosophy). Easy to say. I hope I'll be able to remember it since a lot of parenting that I don't admire seems to stem from the inherent insistence on possession in the parent-child relationship. In lots of ways, I feel lucky having been able to parent Marguerite since ownership has been extracted and I still have to care and mind her in a similar role. I think I will use my relationship with her as a reference point quite often as a way to stay fair in my interactions with 'my own' kids.

I also fully intend to strap this child on my back or front and travel during my time off of work (paid!). I figure I would be crazy not to. People tell me I am delirious and all I will want to do is stay home near a crib. Nuts. Seems to me that a newborn is a pretty good travel companion.

Ooooh...and on another subject entirely (but equally fascinating when it comes to raising young humans), read this on my friend Aralena's blog.