The Electric Grandmother

Remember this film from the 80's? It was actually based on a Ray Bradbury novel and she was the robot grandma who could squirt orange juice and hot chocolate from her fingers. That movie was a long time ago in my memory, but it so happens that the old robot pops into my head frequently.



This will be a short series of bizarre confessions: things I do and have continued to do since I was a kid to entertain myself. So, the first was inspired by that movie. After watching that movie when I was little, I realized that in the shower if I positioned my hand just right while the water poured over it, it would look like water was squirting out of my fingertips, just like electric grandma. I was doing this in the shower this morning genuinely for my own entertainment. All of a sudden I realized what I was doing (and my age) and then I snickered.

This realization did not stop me from another little ritual I perform before jumping out of the shower in the morning. I cup my hands and let them fill with water. Then I dip my nose into the little pool and snort in a lot of water while closing my eyes and pretending I am at a swimming pool. Then when I open my eyes, I still have the impression I've just gotten out of the swimming pool - you know that feeling at the back of your nose/throat that feels like a grimace because you got too much water up there? Yeah. It is not that refreshing, for example. But it does trick me into thinking I was just swimming along (which I love).

My final and perhaps most bizarre form of self-regalement is my dentist. This is the guy who lives in my mouth and is constantly fretting over my teeth. He came alive when I was about 12 years-old, sitting perched on our bathroom countertop, facing the mirror. My mouth is big. My tongue is even bigger. And that day, my tongue was running along the surface of my teeth and I realized what it was doing: it was checking all of its patients, its teeth. Watch, you will see. Focus on the tip of my tongue, watch how it sways back and forth frantically, worried about each tooth, and you will immediately get the picture.